I apologize in advance if I’m being too sappy, so by all means please skip this post, if it doesn’t interest you… I totally get it. But I find writing stuff down to be cathartic, and I guess you could say that OMAAT is my journal, in a way, so thank you for tolerating me using this as an outlet.
Happy birthday, mom, I haven’t stopped thinking about you
Last October, I lost my mom to ovarian cancer, after a battle that lasted over six years. While those years were incredibly challenging, and trying to find the right balance in life was impossible, I’m beyond grateful for the amount of time that I had with her.
We made the most of every day, and that puts me at so much peace. We didn’t think she’d get to meet either of our kids, but she ended up meeting both of them. I realize how lucky I am, because so many people lose loved ones from one minute to the next, and never get to say goodbye. Meanwhile we had a six plus year farewell tour.
Today, June 10, would’ve been my mom’s 73rd birthday. I’d say I’m thinking about her today, but the truth is that I haven’t stopped thinking about her since she passed. Not a single day has gone by that I don’t think about her. And if I’m being honest, barely a waking hour goes by.
Honestly, the waves in which grief comes really screws with your head. Sometimes I think about her and smile. Sometimes I think about her and have to do everything in my power to hold back tears. Sometimes I almost can’t remember what her voice sounds like, and sometimes I can hear her voice in my head, and feel like she’s there. I’ll hear a song playing that she loved, and sometimes it just puts the biggest smile on my face, and other times it makes me want to break down.
A few weeks ago while traveling, I remember waking up in a hotel in the middle of the night from a dream, and in the dream, my mom and I were on a trip. When I woke up, it felt so real, and I remember feeling so much at peace to have had that feeling… only to minutes later be bawling.
Our older son, Miles, is going to be four years old in a couple of months, and he still very much remembers her. It can’t be put into words how much joy Miles brought my mom, and the feeling was mutual. Nothing tears at my heartstrings quite like when he asks “when are we going to see Barbara again?” or “can we call Barbara?” It makes me so happy that he remembers, and so sad that there will be no more visits or calls, at least in this life…
The kindness, strength, and wisdom that so many people showed me made such a difference, and I can’t sufficiently put my gratitude into words. For other people who are going through loss, here’s something that someone shared with me at the time that I still look back on, and which I can’t help but echo, and which brings me comfort:
I wish I could tell you it gets easier – but it’s really that it just gets easier to deal with… I do promise that. I also promise you she’ll send you signs from the universe that she is still with you and your family – just keep your eyes and heart open… you’ll see them, no doubt.
I’m (mostly) excited for a month of family travel
For me, family has always been the most important thing in the world. Admittedly I’ve been blessed with an incredibly loving family, and I realize how many people don’t have that. I don’t take it for granted. I also find a lot of comfort in knowing how much my mom adored kids, and how being a good dad would make her prouder and happier than anything.
So along those lines, this week we’re departing on quite the family trip. We’ve traveled long haul, with our older son, Miles, a few times now. To be honest, we haven’t done much travel with our younger son, Jet, who is turning one year old soon. That’s going to be changing, and boy are we ripping the band-aid off.
We’re heading out for about a month, with a big family trip, taking both of our kids to Europe. And beyond that, my mother-in-law and father will also be joining parts of the trip, so it’s going to be quite the adventure. Renting a car big enough for everything we’ll have is proving to be quite the challenge. We’re obviously trying to move a little slower, so here’s the plan:
- We decided to rent a house in Greece on a rather quiet island, just to keep things simple, and so the kids have a pool to play in
- We then have quite a bit of time in the Germany and Austria area, and based on some reader recommendations, we actually decided to go to South Tyrol, which I remember going to when I was a little kid with my parents, and I can’t wait to return, as I have such fond memories
- Then we’re going to finish off the trip in Sylt, an island in Germany, which was my mom’s favorite place; my hope is that we can spread some of her ashes there (emotionally I’m still struggling with this concept, but it’s best to probably rip the band-aid off)
Not to be too prescriptive, but as I always say, don’t forget to check on your loved ones (especially parents), spend as much time with them as you can, and take that trip, if at all possible.
Bottom line
Today is — or would’ve been — my mom’s 73rd birthday. She has been on my mind every single day since she passed, though certainly today I’m thinking of her even more than usual, since I think over 34 years, I only missed one birthday with her.
To those who have suffered a loss — and honestly, it’s a shared human experience, so I realize I’m not special — I’m thinking of you, and know you’re not alone. While I wish it weren’t that way, there’s comfort in knowing that this is part of life, and is unavoidable. I’m so grateful for the time I had with my mom, but that doesn’t change the constant wave of emotions that I feel to this day, because a part of me will always be missing. But I’m also so blessed to have two great kids. While they don’t replace her, they certainly take up a big part of my heart.
Especially with it being summer, don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much you care about them, and make them feel special. And ideally redeem some miles and take that trip with them!